I apologise in advance - this post will be a little bit Owl-flavoured. The Obnoxious Owl (she's good, have a butchers) does little posts to her male readers occaisonally, instructing them, generally on matters involving their appearance, manners, sexual health and/or relationship ettiquette. Some of these points would be helpful for Mr. Megan, but he will never read this blog... never!
1. IF YOU SMELL NICE, GIRLS WILL LIKE YOU
I honestly do not think it is too much to ask for a lad to shower daily, apply deodorant (but don't give me any of this Lynx overdosage) and maybe a bit of aftershave... if you shave. If you don't shave, please go back to whatever cave you came from until you can grow a beard.
2. STUBBLE IS NICE
But bear in mind, if you're a little rougher around the face, you're going to have to go a bit gentler, or your bird is going to wake up looking like she tried to drink Cherryade and missed her mouth.
3. THE STATE OF YOUR BED/BEDROOM DIRECTLY LINKS TO YOUR SEXUAL PROWESS
If you can't make your bed, there's no way you can make babies. Also, you know that feeling you get when you're freshly showered and slip into fresh sheets? Yeah, we like that too. So you know... fresh sheets + fresh smelling fella = happy lady.
4. WEARING MORE THAN THREE BRACELETS AT A TIME WILL NOT MAKE YOU JASON MRAZ.
Nor will it make you attractive. Unless you are Jason Mraz.
5. IT'S KIND OF HOT TO BE A BIT JEALOUS
Ok, this one is directly stolen from the Owl herself. But seriously - a LITTLE bit of jealousy means you'll probably be getting laid that night.
6. THIS IS A TEXT THAT WOULD PRODUCE AN INSTANT FLACCID
hi babe :) saw you the other day! :P looking good ;) haven't seen you in ages! :( meet up sometime? <3 xxx
Oh look, I can see the exact facial expressions you're pulling from your emoticons. It looks like you just had a facial spasm in my inbox.
7. NEVER COMMENT ON A LADY GARDEN
You cannot crush pride in a more spectacular way. Don't even say you like it. Especially don't say you don't like it. Don't even comment - if you're significant other is British, she will appreciate your sense of decorum in the face of what is most likely a carefully-manicured garden.
8. NEVER REFER TO THE FEMALE GENITALIA USING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS:
Cunt. Fanny. Poonany. Axe-wound. Pussy. Winkie.
9. IF YOUR FAVOURITE BAND IS ALL TIME LOW/ENTER SHIKARI/SNOW PATROL, YOU CAN NEVER BE SEXY
But if I've seen you in a mosh-pit, it's hard for you not to be.
10. JUST BECAUSE A GIRL HAS HAD OTHER MEN, IT DOES NOT MEAN SHE IS A SLAG
And under no circumstances can you refer to the time she was seeing more than one man as "the slag phase."
11. TREATING ME LIKE I AM 3 YEARS OLD WHEN I'M DRUNK WILL NOT WIN YOU ANY BROWNIE POINTS
It might get you a pint in the face though.