1. The Welly-boot Wankers
This breed of Englishman has a very distinct appearance; he will wear a Jack Wills gilet, perhaps a navy sports jacket, or even a "hoody" on his down-time days (N.B. this hoody cost over £60, or its not even worth buying.) On his feet, wellingtons, or perhaps boat shoes. The female W-BW is likely to be dressed in much the same gear, perhaps a pair of jodpurs or cords, or a Cath Kidson apron if she is in the kitchen, cooking on the Aga ready to serve organic food onto her Emma Bridgewater crockery (sexism intended.) They clip their vowels, but sprinkle speech liberally with the word "mate" or "banter." They play rugby, tennis and polo, unless their on a shoot or trying to find their way to the exit in the gloom of Hollister. Lads are likely to drink Ruddles or Magners ("pear?! Oh mate, they sell PEAR MAGNERS here! I didn't even know pears were, like, alcoholic!") whilst the ladies are prone to the odd glass of wine, perhaps a cheeky WKD at a party, but not the blue one, who do you take me for, some sort of ladette?!
2. The Suburbus Populus
Your average Joe. Joe also likes Hollister and Jack Wills, as he does not like to appear too chavvy, innit, but likes to mix it up here and there with some Adidas, and obviously, OBVIOUSLY, Topman chinos. Do you think One Direction get theirs from River Island?? Well? DO YOU? No. If you want to get the laydees, you've got to go Topman bruv. The average Joe-ette likes her burgundy leggings, gilet and Abercromie and Fitch shirt, complete with a ginormous scarf, to give the impression that one's head is balanced precarioulsy upon one's shoulders. Typical music tastes can range from One Direction and JLS to general Top 40, to your generic Arctic Monkeys and King's of Leon for the truly edgy (ahem.)
3. The Old Eccentrics
Truly rare, this species of Englishman is dying out. To quote a favourite ska band, this category is "for the soldier in contempt of court, cause he believed in freedom of thought. This is for the baby who struggles to talk, but can manage to gargle the language of God. This is for the origami swan, who dared to soar up to the sun. This is for the outcasts, the freaks and the schemers, this is for the last of the dreamers." Um, so maybe that wasn't entirely relevant, but if you are interested, I'd have a butchers at their website http://www.kingblues.com/, their shit good and brilliant live if you can get manage it!Back to the eccentrics, these are the one's who don't quite fit in, the Susan Boyle's of this world, if you like. Taking a sociological stance, these people are often labelled, fail society's institutions, and form subcultures in order to belong. This brings me neatly (well, not neatly, I fitted this entire blog post around this point) onto the subject oooof... This Is England.
Now I don't want you thinking, oh here we go, another teenage girl trying to be edgy by watching a gritty old Shane Meadows - I genuinely do love this. I love Northerners; I think they have so much more spirit that us down South! If you haven't watched either the film or the two Channel 4 spin-off series' yet, then get on it! You can watch it here. I think Woody and Lol are one of the most overlooked couples of film.
Ohh, sorry, shitty GIF!
One more for the road folks, sorry if it looks like you've accidentally tuned into a FanGirls tumbr...